Leader, How Do You Treat Yourself?—The Deep Psychology of Self-Regard
As a leader, you won’t always hold the reins in every area of your life. You may find yourself on the receiving end of mistreatment or subtle attempts to “put you in your place.” Often, these behaviors stem not from your shortcomings, but from the other person’s insecurity. The real question in those moments is: How do you treat yourself?
The Crucial Lesson I Learned in the Courtroom
Early in my legal career, I encountered a judge who treated me with an unusual level of hostility. I was respectful and did my job well, but it became clear that my presence as a Black woman attorney was unfamiliar to him, and perhaps unsettling. After one particularly difficult day in his courtroom, I made a quiet promise to myself: that one day, he would have to stand before me. But until that day arrived, I resolved to treat myself like I mattered—because I did. My career depended on it, and so did the fate of my clients.
Years later, life offered a surprising twist. That same judge lost his seat and returned to private practice. One of his cases landed in my hearing room—I was now the state’s hearing officer. He was so uncomfortable with the reversal of roles that he opted to settle the case out of court rather than appear before me.
The Inner Struggle—and the Importance of Support
In the thick of mistreatment, it’s natural to question how to respond. I leaned on a trusted mentor who encouraged me to persevere. My faith also played a vital role, anchoring my confidence and reminding me of my worth. The key was treating myself with the dignity I deserved—not just as someone competent, but as someone who excelled in her field. I mattered—to myself and to those who relied on me.
The Real Battle: Self-Perception
Often, the greatest obstacle isn’t how others see us, but how we see ourselves. Our self-perception shapes how we treat ourselves—and sets the standard for what we’re willing to accept from others. If you believe you matter, you’ll act accordingly. You’ll demand respect, not just from the world, but from yourself first.
So, leader: How do you treat yourself when others try to diminish you? Your answer might just determine the outcome of your most important battles.
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